Ambition

When our ambitions trump our relationships, our stories suffer for meaning. ~Donald Miller

Next time you feel like you’ve lost your spark, just reach for that little list. Forget about goals, ambitions and all the things you think you ought to be doing. Just start with those little things that bring you joy.  ~Andrea Sher  her blog...Superhero Journal....

I think my word of the day to consider and ponder is AMBITION!  Where it fits for me right here right now...OR does it!?  Maybe I am supposed to continue to be in the JOY that I am currently in and relish it, embrace it and stop looking for something more, stopping looking for what I think I ought to be doing...

Moments!  Moments that I miss because I am wrapped up in my ambitions, my wants, my attempt to fill me, fill those empty places in my heart!  I miss those moments that would fill me if I would slow down and embrace, cherish and celebrate those little right here right now moments that are right in front of me. But I miss the moment because I am to busy chasing ambition which is hours ahead of my right here right now!

While I am hours ahead of my right here right now I miss that moment to purr into my sons ear as that is what we do to tell each other that we care, I miss that ruckus outside my window that are blue jays talking to each other, that invitation of a hurting friend to come into their world and comfort them, that moment that my son is doing his homework begrudgingly while dancing to CMT (yep all at the same time).

When I get so focused on what I think I should do such as get a job, go back to school, and what ever else to fill my emptiness I miss those moments of opportunities falling in my lap to serve others.  I miss those moments to live my mantra of encouraging and edifying others so they to can experience freedom.  Not just any ol' freedom but a deep down soul freedom that only brings JOY no matter what the circumstances we are facing are.

When I lay down MY ambitions and embrace the beauty of the moment my story becomes exciting.  The excitement that my heart longs to be filled with.  I am filled with the little JOYS of a moment.  My relationships flourish.

Like the day that I was pondering how to fill my loneliness.  The day I felt like I lost my spark and was contemplating trumping relationships with my family and the few connections I have made here with ambition, selfish ambition.  I went to the mail box and there in the box was the most amazing piece of mail.  A beautiful card from a friend.  A very unexpected piece of mail.  A BEAUTIFUL hand made...yes hand made card especially for me.  Tears poured down my face.  She chose me.  I matter to her!  All the way from Canada....I matter!  And I was awakened again to the value of relationships and that I must not trump them for my selfish ambitions.  I was filled with JOY!

And My Soul is Revved by.....

and I am filled with JOY when...

My LIST begins like this....

• Having friends over to hang out and eat!
• Watching my children have fun with their friends!
• A walk in the park with the dog and family!
• A hike in the woods!
• Running!
• Sitting on Point Michaud beach on the Atlantic Ocean and watching the tide and people play in the ocean!
• Bras D'or Lakes with our family!
• Singing loudly to music that I know the words to!
• Dancing with my children no matter where we are!  (and I mean no matter where)!
• Inspiring conversations that leave me being a better version of myself!
• Going on an adventure somewhere new and not being scared to get lost!
• Color...markers, paper, paperclips....
• A Starbucks non fat peppermint mocha no whip no foam!
• Authentic conversation with people who get me!
• Listening to people share their stories of pain and triumph!
• Laughing with my boys (all four)!
• Traveling near and far!
• Seeing people come alive after being given a BIG dose of YOU ARE WORTH IT!
• Being alone, still and listening to my Maker!
• When my still is awakened and becomes real and alive!

                                                         

 

  

 

I come alive!
Relationships come alive!

And my emptiness wanes! 

 My ambitions are at peace within my soul!

Moments are cherished because that is what matters!

hardest thing in the entire world mom!

We all have hard days!  But as a parent to watch the suffering of our children is HARD!

It is VERY difficult for me to watch my children experience the pain of the world.

The pain of rejection, failure, hurt feelings, loss......

My heart breaks for them.

Although I know they must walk through it...

AND 

Walk through it on their terms I feel the ache in my heart.....

It was from my first born's Face Book page that I learned that one of his college football

team mates had experienced a short life.

In honoring my child and honoring his space to become a man and handle life as 

he sees to fit him I breathed not a word of my knowings about his teammate.

A few days passed and my first born announced to me in a brief phone conversation

that one of his team mates had been killed in a car accident.

He spoke little of the situation and downplayed it in such a way that made me worry for him.

He told me the funeral was on Tuesday.

My heart ached.

I found myself back on Good Friday 1991.

The day one of my high school friends was killed in a car accident.

I felt myself feeling angry and confused and lonely.

I remembered what it was like trying to piece together the pieces of what came before...
 AND

What came after that fateful night.

I began to remember how I was changed.

I remembered the condolence letter from a woman who cared deeply for me.

I remembered those words she wrote
Words about my pain and how it intertwined with who I was and 

how my love for my friend shined and radiated off of me in a way that only 
some would understand.

I remember the pain and suffering of the driver of the car.

I remember the chaos for the other passengers.

I remember how our town was riveted.

I remember how to this day the death of that precious girl 21 years ago 

plays a role in relationships and lives still today.

And I begin to ponder.....

How will my firstborn deal with and cope....

How will he be changed......

How will his roommate who was close friends with this teammate be comforted.

AND then the thought of the funeral.

Funerals remind us of our own condition.  The condition of our hearts and bodies.  A raw reminder of where we are at within our souls.  A raw reminder that our bodies will indeed be defeated by death before

they’re ultimately raised to new life.

Who will hold them at the funeral....

My heart aches for the family.

I am taken to a place that no parent wants to go....

I don't go to the "What IF" because I don't live in "what if".....

Rather...
"How"....

How do I think I would handle the knock on the door?

Would I/ Could I be prepared.

NO!  

I must rest knowing that my life, my first born's life...
 is authored and planned!

 I must rest knowing that life is but a vapor....

 Today I must choose to celebrate life for tomorrow is not a given.

On Tuesday I phoned my first born.  Although he did not answer I left a message to give him my condolences and pray strength over him

as he embarked on a walk in his journey that is not one that we long to embark on 

but one we

will more than likely walk more than once...

I was at a loss for words...

I Love YOU!

Bye for Now!

He texts later....

Thank You for your encouragement MOM!

There was a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart....

This was his first funeral and I couldn't be there with him to walk through it...

To comfort him...

At 4:57 another text....

Hardest thing in the entire world mom...

I wrote back...

Call me...

And he did...

I knew his pain in an odd little way.

I felt it as I saw me standing in front of the church
 with a few other friends
 as We played the song
 "I hear Leesha" by Micheal W Smith 
for the people who had come to mourn and celebrate a beautiful life.

I remember the pain and the sadness inside me...

I remember the hardest thing in the entire world for me at 17.

I was proud of my first born!

Proud that he had the courage to walk that part of his journey on his own 
for his friends and teammates, 
for the family of the fallen teammate, 

for his school, 
but mostly for himself.

Proud that he allowed himself to mourn in his own personal way!


I will turn their mourning into gladness; 
 I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow
Jeremiah 31:13

My PARIS rE Do

There are times in life that you want nothing more than 

to have the opportunity to 

RE DO

a time, an event, an action, words......

On April 6th I received an email from my man!

It said....

Based on the above, we have decided to organize a Regional Distribution Centers Workshop with key participants from different disciplines.

The workshop will take place in the Rue Saint Dominique office in Paris from the 23^rd to the 25^th of April.              

You have been selected to participate on this workshop based on your experience on and understanding of the topic.

Above this wonderful note to him was his words.....

FYI.  Looks like I’m headed to Paris in a few weeks.  

My heart was overjoyed..

Overjoyed for him being chosen!

Thankful for his dedication and commitment!  

And then it occurred to me....

OMGoodness...

My hearts desire...

 Transformation...

Clarity.....

And so I replied....

Can I come with you?????  I promise I won't be such a disaster this time.  AND we can walk all of the stairs up to the top of the tower and then look deeply in each others eyes! :):)

M

And my man said "YES"!

Yes to me going with with him not necessarily yes to taking the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower or staring deeply in my eyes!

Gratitude overcame me...

I thought...

Who Am I , O Lord and what is my house that you have brought me this far?

And as I reflected on my "this far" I stood in awe of abundance....

Four years ago I travelled to Paris with my man.

When I embarked on that opportunity...

In my heart it was going to be a trip full of bliss, 

Full of RoMaNcE...

A trip in which what was in my heart could be poured out...

Love, Joy, Honor...

Unfortunately 

I was a disaster!

I was in the middle of a brokenness, being held in bondage!

Affliction was engulfing me and mentally tormenting me, silencing my heart!

And my Paris Trip was a DiSaStEr!

And I mourned and grieved the disappointment...

I knew I was responsible for this disaster,

But I knew that I could not let my affliction turn into my destruction and I had to GET UP AND FIGHT!

I had to allow my affliction to turn me into a warrior!

I had to fight to set my heart free! 

To loose the chains that held me.....CAPTIVE!

I had to deal with ME, my selfish ambitions,my fears, my boundaries, my choices.....

Me Myself and I needed to do some work.

And for the last 4 years I embarked on a long steadfast journey....

I have dug deep in my soul to find all of the yucky hiding places.

Places I didn't want to find.

Places I had chosen not go because it was to painful.

Places full of anger.

Places full of fear.

Places full of confusion.

Places that had to be visited in order to find 

the 

Place of Peace.

the 
Place of Abundance.

the

Place of JOY!

the

Place of LOVE!

And right down to March 25th, 2012 I was in the trenches.

Some days my trenches were deep and it seemed like I was not ever going to surface again.


Some days I could only see a glimmer of light!


and Some days the light was so bright it was blinding....
but always

 HOPE!

Always a Desire to be FREE!

Free to LOVE fully and authentically!


Free to be who I was created to be.

 Although I battle each day and some days my battlefield is busy, I am a Warrior and I will fight.

I will fight for my marriage.
I will fight for my family.
I will fight for LOVE and FREEDOM!


My affliction WILL NOT defeat me!

And after Four Years.....

and Hard Work Daily I have received 

Redemption, Mercy and Grace!

I was honored a ReDo!

My heart is Free toLOVE fully!

 

This week in Paris I will....

~Fuel my heart with wild Love and Gratitude~

I will laugh without fear!

I will choose Freedom!

Embrace the essence of Joy!

I will see Paris through a completely different set of eyes!

Eyes full of Beauty and Abundance!

I will LOVE and Honor my man!
AND
Rub his feet after we walk to the top of the Eiffel Tower!
and 
NOT MISS ONE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK DEEPLY INTO HIS BEAUTIFUL EYES!

That BlUe TaMbOuRiNe

That  BlUe TaMbOuRiNe shimmied and shaked.

It produced a beautiful sound

A beautiful rhythm

The hands that shook that tambourine were large hands, 

soft hands,

 gentle hands,

 helping hands

Hands that made people beautiful on the outside 

while impacting people on the inside.

It was a heart overflowing that generated the joy to shake that tambourine.

A heart that was full of a peace that surpassed all understanding.....

While those around didn't understand the affliction and the struggle...

But for me, I will sing each morning about your power and mercy.  

For you have been my high tower of refuge,

 a place of safety in the day of my distress.

O my Strength to you I sing my praises for you are my high tower of safety,

 my God of mercy.

Proverbs 59:16-17

A heart of strength.  

Strength that was seen as it poured out through the blue tambourine.

A heart of LOVE.

Love that could be heard in the sound that poured from that blue tambourine.

LOVE that could be seen as you watched,
captivated and in awe

of what was flowing out of her as she shook that blue tambourine.

That heart poured out the joy that comes in the morning

through the shaking of that tambourine.

That tambourine became hers...

She shook it in utter celebration!

She was known by that tambourine!

Known by the passion that radiated through that tambourine.

It sat in it's place.

It held her place.

Waiting for her to come and pick it up!

No one else picked up that tambourine!

No one else shook it!

It represented all that she was!

It was a treasure!

A treasure that was shared!

A treasure that impacted lives!

A treasure that left a legacy!

It was a BlUe TaMbOuRiNe!

1 + 30 +110 + 1,000's = Amazing

As I sit here 2 days after this 13.1 Journey came to fruition I struggle to sit and stand.  

Man my quads hurt.
That however will all go away.
But the fruit of the journey is forever!

This journey is a journey of many first for me...

The first time I heard of AS OUR OWN

The first time I ran more than 10K let alone 13.1 miles (21K)

The first time I ran so many miles without a running partner

The first time I ran with headphones

The first time I ran an hour plus on a treadmill

The first time I was Running with my man!

The first time I went to Dallas Texas

The first time I was not running in snow in Jan., Feb., March

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY....

The first time I ran a race that was to raise money for a cause.....

It always amazed me when I would receive the news that I had been sponsored.

I have to tell you that every sponsorship I received was received with such gratitude!

It is often difficult to ask people to give money especially when times are not lucrative but.....

I had a dear friend once tell me.....

Send the invitation and let the people decide for themselves what they will do....

I hold that dear to my heart in all of the endeavors I embark on whether it is 

inviting friends on a trip...

to dinner.....

to church.....

to play....

to a Bible study...

or to join me in a crazy adventure that requires giving of time or money.....

AND

I diligently prayed that God would speak to the hearts of those He wanted to!

AND I sent out the email(s).....

And for this sweet, sweet precious girl and many others in India your hearts were moved....

Moved toward LOVE

Moved toward COMPASSION

Moved toward  CHANGE!

On my last long run on the treadmill....
When I needed some inspiration to keep running this song began to play....
The Change
One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone

I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/garth-brooks-lyrics/the-change-lyrics.html)


It was a sweet essence that came over me as I felt the magnitude of what each person who
chose to sponsor me was standing for....
CHANGE
Maybe not changing the World right now today but changing the course of a life today right now.
Reaching out your hand so Parul will have a different life.  Her path has been Changed.
You took a stand!
A stand that even though the world chooses to think that one person's contribution is not enough 
you did not let that thinking change your hearts desire to give.


The piece of this song that moved me most was.....


This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss 


I ran because I do believe that Love and Mercy still do exist and I have been called to Love
because it is the greatest of these and it is not pointless...


As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone 


My heart holds on...
Your heart holds on...

As I ran 13.1 miles I completed this leg of my journey. 
 A leg of the journey where I learned about giving of myself for mercy and Love...
A journey of not only Hope for Parul but Hope for more....


Each of you were with me as I passed each mile (km my Canadians)....

Throwing up praises for your support....
Almost hyperventilating at mile 7 because I was overwhelmed and flooded with the amazingness of this.


Although 13.1 is complete and my legs are recovering, 
My soul has been moved and stirred.
This is not the end but the beginning of another adventure on my life journey.....

9 very sluggish runners packed into a taxi after the race!

And I want to say
THANK YOU...
Anita Wolverton
Tanya Hedin
Jemma Anderbeck
Chad and Trish Mombourquette
Cindy Harris
Tammi Henderson
and 
Vern and Amy Baxter....
For believing in me, believing in As Our Own and believing that by reaching out one hand you can 
make a difference!



THANK YOU.....
 to those who thought of me often and those of you who prayed as I embarked on this journey.



NO PRAYERS OR THOUGHTS WERE WASTED!


Every step, every mile, every Word spoken to me during this time was 
fruitful, changing and moving!
Thank you for blessing me....Blessing Parul...Blessing Team Bayou City Fellowship!

I stand in awe!


In a race, everyone runs but only one person gets first prize.  So run your race to win.  To win the contest you must deny yourselves many things that would keep you from doing your best.  An athlete goes to all this trouble just to win a blue ribbon or a silver cup, but we do it for a heavenly reward that never disappears.  
1 Corinthians 9:24-25

The Adventure in Mile 8!

Running for Parul has brought Fullness to my journey...

Mile 8 brought joy heart and rev to my giddy up n gooooooo!

 For those of you who walk closely with me you know that everyday is a day FULL beyond measure.  

Full of sometimes nothing but good, sometimes full of nothing but not so good and sometimes full of good and not so good but none the less full.  

With this fullness comes bus E ness.  

For the last month it has been challenging to run on a regular basis because my house has been FULL.....

Full of contractors....

Full of repair men....

I again found a love for running at 5:30 am as it seems to be the only time I am available.  Yet still it has been challenging to get in my runs....

I am however committed...

Committed to Parul....

Committed to the supportive friends that have given to As Our Own on my behalf...

And so I run on....

What I love about this journey is how the long runs are used to fill me up!  

The time it takes to run is the time I use to meet with my Maker.  

Time that is rich in learning.  

My time to be still and know!

Mile 8 was beautiful because I was blessed with an unexpected running partner.  

For years I have been all but begging my man to run with me and he has always declined the invitation reassuring me his knees are bad and could never handle it.   

He often runs on the treadmill but never pounds the pavement.  

On this day much to my surprise he offered to run the loop with me.  

The loop is 4 miles and I couldn't have been more overjoyed to have a friend to run the 1st half of my 8 with.  

I was so excited! 

 I think he almost was too but I am sure he had no idea what he was in for.  

You see I love to talk....

My man...

not so much.

This was strictly business for him....

His business plan was to run 4 miles without stopping and be sure he did not let me "beat" him. 

 He has an extreme competitive edge to him and I am confident that is what prompted the run....

The challenge to run the loop!

My watch was ready to go!

He grabbed my phone pushed a few buttons and we were off!

So we set off and I was so excited.

My first conversation starter went something like this....

Awww baby isn't this sooooo romantic?

His reply  "There is nothing romantic about this"

Me... "Awww here we are on this beautiful day running together having a great time"

Him.... "Yeah, No!"

And then I thought...HMMMM maybe this isn't romantic!  

This was romantic to me. 

 My desire was given to me...running with my man!   

I revealed in the bliss.

And then it occurred to me to get out my phone and take a picture or two...

I was having the time of my life...

My man....I don't think he found the F-U-N in this!  (I should have made a video:)

And so we ran on!

I chatted and chatted and chatted...

He probably thought  "How can she breathe?"

I was so happy it was like old times with Amy (my running partner in Alberta) and I.  

I talk and talk and talk and Amy listens and we run and run and run!

I tried not to run to fast or to slow.  I didn't want to ruin my opportunity for romantic run #2!

At about mile 3 I could tell his knee was not feeling so good!

This is where being competitive is a double edge sword. 

 Run on because I can't quit or quit because my knee hurts..........

And so we ran on!

My man and I finished our 4 miles together.  Me in utter bliss like a teenager on her first date with the boy of her dreams and my man in his manly competitive way completing the business plan all in a days work.

I checked my watch.  He stopped the clock on my phone we talked about the time of completion and I said goodbye and continued on for the next 4miles still on cloud nine because my man ran with me!

I may never have that opportunity again but I am ever so thankful that he said YES this time!

Had I not committed to running for Parul I would have never have had this opportunity.

My journey to 13.1 miles has been rich in wonder and amazement!

Words are breathed into me, opportunities arise, people unexpectedly give to this endeavor.

One mile at a time I with your support am changing history!

Changing opportunity for Parul and the girls that are rescued by As Our Own, taken in and loved.  As Our Own cares for them and they know that they are WORTH IT!