Legacy.....

leg·a·cy

   [leg-uh-see]  Show IPA noun, pluralleg·a·cies.

1.

Law . a gift of property, especially personal property, asmoney, by will; a bequest.

2.

anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestoror predecessor: the legacy of ancient Rome.

3.

an applicant to or student at a school that was attended byhis or her parent.

4.

Obsolete . the office, function, or commission of a legate.

Taken from   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/legacy?s=t

As this Mothers Day approached I began to feel something different in my heart than I ever had before....

I did not know exactly what it was.  Something more gentle something more tender.....

I was not a day free from "yuck" but in the mess of me and being a mom I felt FREE.  I felt covered in Grace.  Forgiven.  Redeemed.

Being a mom for me has been such a joy.  I always wanted six children and loved loving my dolls and practicing for REAL babies.  I however was blessed with 3 children.  Three very different yet oddly similar, wonderful children who daily teach me how to become the best version of myself.

I have always wondered with great awe why I, why my friends, chose to have children and how we decided how many to have.  My dear friend Jocelyn heard AND answered these questions several times.  Always with her sparkling eyes and her energizing smile....

"I want to leave a LEGACY!"

A LEGACY....

What does that mean!  

I was not sure what Legacy meant to me.  For my family.  For my children.  For future generations from the tree of my life.

To me the Legacy I was given was a Legacy of shame, condemnation and judgement.  I never quite made the mark in the EYES of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally and help me become the best version of myself.  In those EYES I was NOT who they demanded me to be therefore I was of no worth.  

NOT ONLY DID I RECIEVE 

SHAME CONDEMNATION JUDGEMENT 

from my family......

In this world where there is comparison and right ways to parent and if you spend to much time away from your child your a bad mom, and if your child has a melt down in the store your a bad mom, and if your child does not go to university your a bad mom and heaven forbid your child drink, smoke, have sex out of wedlock, steal, lie......YOU ARE A BAD MOM!

If you feel angry at your child and can't keep yourself together, or if you don't have the greatest and latest, and if YOU AND YOUR child doesn't wear name brand clothes....

Society casts down

          ABSOLUTE SHAME  CONDEMNATION and JUDGEMENT!  

                                                          on you.... on children!

NOT a Legacy that I wanted to root my children in!  

I began to unlock what the LEGACY I WOULD LEAVE LOOKED LIKE TO ME, TO MY CHILDREN TO MY FAMILY AND TO THE CHILDREN WHO WOULD COME FROM MY SEED!

Because SHAME  CONDEMNATION and JUDGEMENT  was my "normal" it trickled down into the life of my first born and oh the work, the absolute change work we have done to end the LEGACY of shame and condemnation and leave a new LEGACY.

AND....some days my heart hurts because I feel like my choices are destroying my children.

AND.... somedays I feel angry at the people who shamed and condemned me!  

AND....somedays I feel like I am crazy AND a mess!

And everyday I know that it is OK.  It is OK to be imperfect.  I make mistakes and my mistakes are forgiven!  I am FREE....FREE to be who I was created to be...MESSY MESSY ME...

AND.....I am grateful that I am covered by GRACE and the LEGACY that I AM leaving is a LEGACY of WORTHINESS, of PURPOSE, of FAITH  all in the mess of life.

A life that is authored and planned and protected from the arrows that are thrown at us by the enemy.  The arrows that keep us captive to shame and condemnation!  A LEGACY of FREEDOM....DEEP down SOUL FREEDOM that comes from something far beyond what I alone could ever give my children!

FREE from SHAME CONDEMNATION JUDGEMENT

AND my reassurance of the LEGACY.....

Child Number Two did an unbelievable job at writing about ME.  I am known by my child.  My values are known by my child....This tells the real story.  The story of my life being walked out daily for all to know and see....I tell a TRUE story! HE TELLS THE STORY IN HIS WRITING....

May 12, 2012 from Child Number Two

My firstborn's evidence that not only today but many years ago when I was in the trenches in bondage I was still teaching and living the LEGACY that I wanted to leave for my children for me, for my family....

May 11, 2001 from my First Born

AND today what LEGACY and MOM mean to my First Born...

"My moms attempt to instill values that she holds dear in her heart that will be passed on to the family for years to come.  She does it well even if at times it is frustrating for me  because she does do it so well and it is constant!"

"I would describe my mom as stubborn, educated, outspoken, well thought, well read, driven motivated, an educator educating others and herself and a caretaker!"

"The evidence of her living out and walking her TRUTH in my life is what I take and walk with every day and that is her desire for me and educating me to have the utmost respect for women, truth telling,  and JESUS!"  

AND my precious Third Child...

Wanted me to know that I am so LOVED and am the best mom ever and the precious child wanted me to have a new vacuum cleaner!

~Possibly this Face Book "What's on your mind?"...gives insight as to why the thought of a vacuum cleaner would come to mind!  It is known what I get from a clean house....A clear head!!!  They all love when MommaMac has a clear head (and so do I:)

            do any of you know how much I LOVE to clean. 
It has been a while as my house has been full of wonderfulness and adventure. 
The silence is awakening as I dance with my dance partners. 
The best Momma Mac musings come to me while I am dancing. 
The deepest stirrings move me as I rhythmically converse the poetic stanza's of my journey. I stand on the battlefield I fight for everyday every minute as I dance in silence....
and I love it and I cherish it and I miss it when I am away from it took long! 
I LOVE cleaning! 
It brings clarity and peace!

With the breathes that I have left I will breathe into my children the LEGACY that I want to leave behind. When I think of what I want the future of my family tree to look like I want it to be a source of strength to the next generations.  I want the LEGACY that I began with my children and is being walked out in my investment in my children to be what trickles down through the generations and feeds the souls of each seed that comes from me, from the seed that I came from which is the seed of Abraham not the seed of a family of shame, condemnation and judgement.  I want my children and their children and their children's children for generations to know that they are worth so much more than the world will ever tell them they are worth!

I would not trade the rewards that I am reaping and the rewards that are generations and decades away from this time, from the time in which I worked so hard to change my families LEGACY.  


There has been and will be years and years of tears, toil, heartache, exhaustion, weariness, and fear in between the LEGACY I see today and the LEGACY of tomorrow.....


However...........

With my VILLAGE and my FAITH I will continue to invest in their character, in their heart, in my character and in my heart, my families character with every breathe i breathe.....

IN THE HEART IS WHERE IT ALL BEGINS as we weave together the tapestry of LIFE!

Ambition

When our ambitions trump our relationships, our stories suffer for meaning. ~Donald Miller

Next time you feel like you’ve lost your spark, just reach for that little list. Forget about goals, ambitions and all the things you think you ought to be doing. Just start with those little things that bring you joy.  ~Andrea Sher  her blog...Superhero Journal....

I think my word of the day to consider and ponder is AMBITION!  Where it fits for me right here right now...OR does it!?  Maybe I am supposed to continue to be in the JOY that I am currently in and relish it, embrace it and stop looking for something more, stopping looking for what I think I ought to be doing...

Moments!  Moments that I miss because I am wrapped up in my ambitions, my wants, my attempt to fill me, fill those empty places in my heart!  I miss those moments that would fill me if I would slow down and embrace, cherish and celebrate those little right here right now moments that are right in front of me. But I miss the moment because I am to busy chasing ambition which is hours ahead of my right here right now!

While I am hours ahead of my right here right now I miss that moment to purr into my sons ear as that is what we do to tell each other that we care, I miss that ruckus outside my window that are blue jays talking to each other, that invitation of a hurting friend to come into their world and comfort them, that moment that my son is doing his homework begrudgingly while dancing to CMT (yep all at the same time).

When I get so focused on what I think I should do such as get a job, go back to school, and what ever else to fill my emptiness I miss those moments of opportunities falling in my lap to serve others.  I miss those moments to live my mantra of encouraging and edifying others so they to can experience freedom.  Not just any ol' freedom but a deep down soul freedom that only brings JOY no matter what the circumstances we are facing are.

When I lay down MY ambitions and embrace the beauty of the moment my story becomes exciting.  The excitement that my heart longs to be filled with.  I am filled with the little JOYS of a moment.  My relationships flourish.

Like the day that I was pondering how to fill my loneliness.  The day I felt like I lost my spark and was contemplating trumping relationships with my family and the few connections I have made here with ambition, selfish ambition.  I went to the mail box and there in the box was the most amazing piece of mail.  A beautiful card from a friend.  A very unexpected piece of mail.  A BEAUTIFUL hand made...yes hand made card especially for me.  Tears poured down my face.  She chose me.  I matter to her!  All the way from Canada....I matter!  And I was awakened again to the value of relationships and that I must not trump them for my selfish ambitions.  I was filled with JOY!

And My Soul is Revved by.....

and I am filled with JOY when...

My LIST begins like this....

• Having friends over to hang out and eat!
• Watching my children have fun with their friends!
• A walk in the park with the dog and family!
• A hike in the woods!
• Running!
• Sitting on Point Michaud beach on the Atlantic Ocean and watching the tide and people play in the ocean!
• Bras D'or Lakes with our family!
• Singing loudly to music that I know the words to!
• Dancing with my children no matter where we are!  (and I mean no matter where)!
• Inspiring conversations that leave me being a better version of myself!
• Going on an adventure somewhere new and not being scared to get lost!
• Color...markers, paper, paperclips....
• A Starbucks non fat peppermint mocha no whip no foam!
• Authentic conversation with people who get me!
• Listening to people share their stories of pain and triumph!
• Laughing with my boys (all four)!
• Traveling near and far!
• Seeing people come alive after being given a BIG dose of YOU ARE WORTH IT!
• Being alone, still and listening to my Maker!
• When my still is awakened and becomes real and alive!

                                                         

 

  

 

I come alive!
Relationships come alive!

And my emptiness wanes! 

 My ambitions are at peace within my soul!

Moments are cherished because that is what matters!

hardest thing in the entire world mom!

We all have hard days!  But as a parent to watch the suffering of our children is HARD!

It is VERY difficult for me to watch my children experience the pain of the world.

The pain of rejection, failure, hurt feelings, loss......

My heart breaks for them.

Although I know they must walk through it...

AND 

Walk through it on their terms I feel the ache in my heart.....

It was from my first born's Face Book page that I learned that one of his college football

team mates had experienced a short life.

In honoring my child and honoring his space to become a man and handle life as 

he sees to fit him I breathed not a word of my knowings about his teammate.

A few days passed and my first born announced to me in a brief phone conversation

that one of his team mates had been killed in a car accident.

He spoke little of the situation and downplayed it in such a way that made me worry for him.

He told me the funeral was on Tuesday.

My heart ached.

I found myself back on Good Friday 1991.

The day one of my high school friends was killed in a car accident.

I felt myself feeling angry and confused and lonely.

I remembered what it was like trying to piece together the pieces of what came before...
 AND

What came after that fateful night.

I began to remember how I was changed.

I remembered the condolence letter from a woman who cared deeply for me.

I remembered those words she wrote
Words about my pain and how it intertwined with who I was and 

how my love for my friend shined and radiated off of me in a way that only 
some would understand.

I remember the pain and suffering of the driver of the car.

I remember the chaos for the other passengers.

I remember how our town was riveted.

I remember how to this day the death of that precious girl 21 years ago 

plays a role in relationships and lives still today.

And I begin to ponder.....

How will my firstborn deal with and cope....

How will he be changed......

How will his roommate who was close friends with this teammate be comforted.

AND then the thought of the funeral.

Funerals remind us of our own condition.  The condition of our hearts and bodies.  A raw reminder of where we are at within our souls.  A raw reminder that our bodies will indeed be defeated by death before

they’re ultimately raised to new life.

Who will hold them at the funeral....

My heart aches for the family.

I am taken to a place that no parent wants to go....

I don't go to the "What IF" because I don't live in "what if".....

Rather...
"How"....

How do I think I would handle the knock on the door?

Would I/ Could I be prepared.

NO!  

I must rest knowing that my life, my first born's life...
 is authored and planned!

 I must rest knowing that life is but a vapor....

 Today I must choose to celebrate life for tomorrow is not a given.

On Tuesday I phoned my first born.  Although he did not answer I left a message to give him my condolences and pray strength over him

as he embarked on a walk in his journey that is not one that we long to embark on 

but one we

will more than likely walk more than once...

I was at a loss for words...

I Love YOU!

Bye for Now!

He texts later....

Thank You for your encouragement MOM!

There was a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart....

This was his first funeral and I couldn't be there with him to walk through it...

To comfort him...

At 4:57 another text....

Hardest thing in the entire world mom...

I wrote back...

Call me...

And he did...

I knew his pain in an odd little way.

I felt it as I saw me standing in front of the church
 with a few other friends
 as We played the song
 "I hear Leesha" by Micheal W Smith 
for the people who had come to mourn and celebrate a beautiful life.

I remember the pain and the sadness inside me...

I remember the hardest thing in the entire world for me at 17.

I was proud of my first born!

Proud that he had the courage to walk that part of his journey on his own 
for his friends and teammates, 
for the family of the fallen teammate, 

for his school, 
but mostly for himself.

Proud that he allowed himself to mourn in his own personal way!


I will turn their mourning into gladness; 
 I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow
Jeremiah 31:13