hardest thing in the entire world mom!

We all have hard days!  But as a parent to watch the suffering of our children is HARD!

It is VERY difficult for me to watch my children experience the pain of the world.

The pain of rejection, failure, hurt feelings, loss......

My heart breaks for them.

Although I know they must walk through it...

AND 

Walk through it on their terms I feel the ache in my heart.....

It was from my first born's Face Book page that I learned that one of his college football

team mates had experienced a short life.

In honoring my child and honoring his space to become a man and handle life as 

he sees to fit him I breathed not a word of my knowings about his teammate.

A few days passed and my first born announced to me in a brief phone conversation

that one of his team mates had been killed in a car accident.

He spoke little of the situation and downplayed it in such a way that made me worry for him.

He told me the funeral was on Tuesday.

My heart ached.

I found myself back on Good Friday 1991.

The day one of my high school friends was killed in a car accident.

I felt myself feeling angry and confused and lonely.

I remembered what it was like trying to piece together the pieces of what came before...
 AND

What came after that fateful night.

I began to remember how I was changed.

I remembered the condolence letter from a woman who cared deeply for me.

I remembered those words she wrote
Words about my pain and how it intertwined with who I was and 

how my love for my friend shined and radiated off of me in a way that only 
some would understand.

I remember the pain and suffering of the driver of the car.

I remember the chaos for the other passengers.

I remember how our town was riveted.

I remember how to this day the death of that precious girl 21 years ago 

plays a role in relationships and lives still today.

And I begin to ponder.....

How will my firstborn deal with and cope....

How will he be changed......

How will his roommate who was close friends with this teammate be comforted.

AND then the thought of the funeral.

Funerals remind us of our own condition.  The condition of our hearts and bodies.  A raw reminder of where we are at within our souls.  A raw reminder that our bodies will indeed be defeated by death before

they’re ultimately raised to new life.

Who will hold them at the funeral....

My heart aches for the family.

I am taken to a place that no parent wants to go....

I don't go to the "What IF" because I don't live in "what if".....

Rather...
"How"....

How do I think I would handle the knock on the door?

Would I/ Could I be prepared.

NO!  

I must rest knowing that my life, my first born's life...
 is authored and planned!

 I must rest knowing that life is but a vapor....

 Today I must choose to celebrate life for tomorrow is not a given.

On Tuesday I phoned my first born.  Although he did not answer I left a message to give him my condolences and pray strength over him

as he embarked on a walk in his journey that is not one that we long to embark on 

but one we

will more than likely walk more than once...

I was at a loss for words...

I Love YOU!

Bye for Now!

He texts later....

Thank You for your encouragement MOM!

There was a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart....

This was his first funeral and I couldn't be there with him to walk through it...

To comfort him...

At 4:57 another text....

Hardest thing in the entire world mom...

I wrote back...

Call me...

And he did...

I knew his pain in an odd little way.

I felt it as I saw me standing in front of the church
 with a few other friends
 as We played the song
 "I hear Leesha" by Micheal W Smith 
for the people who had come to mourn and celebrate a beautiful life.

I remember the pain and the sadness inside me...

I remember the hardest thing in the entire world for me at 17.

I was proud of my first born!

Proud that he had the courage to walk that part of his journey on his own 
for his friends and teammates, 
for the family of the fallen teammate, 

for his school, 
but mostly for himself.

Proud that he allowed himself to mourn in his own personal way!


I will turn their mourning into gladness; 
 I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow
Jeremiah 31:13