It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Monday, January 28, 2013

Releasing Perfect for BIG!

It was just over a year ago when the "letter" came.
We were transferred to Houston Texas.
A place my man vowed to NEVER live.

Things fell into place so beautifully.
Time line was perfect.
We had friends from long ago that currently lived in Texas.
Found a great house in a great neighborhood.
Schools were fantastic.
The children were able to step out of life in Alberta and into life in Texas without a hitch.
Found a great church that just planted (started).

I knew deep in my heart I was just where my Maker wanted me and great things were going to unfold here.  I was sure I had been called to something BIG even as much as my heart ached leaving my angels, my Tas Philas, my very best friends, the ones who knew my heart so intimately, behind.

And so life began in Texas….
My man began his new job.
My children started new activities and new schools.
I started serving in new capacities.

My soul was on fire and my heart was happy and I was expecting BIG things to happen here!

I began mentoring and serving at a school in Houston.
My heart overflowed with JOY!

I began serving with the RISE ministry at the new church.
I gave thanks for the opportunities and the women that I was serving and serving with.

I began serving in the children's ministry at the new church.
An opportunity to use my gifts!

I began exploring other options in areas of service….
I was busy….

I found a new passion…
Listening to Dr. Tony Evans on the Radio EVERY morning Monday thru Friday!
His message…
The same message that was being spoken to me and my Tas Philas in Alberta (just a different messenger).  A message about marriage and my calling to my home.  Another piece of beauty during a season of change.

I threw myself into full servant hood and immersed myself in messages from Dr. Evans….....

When I walked into that place my soul was on fire.  
My heart was overflowing with joy  
I am sure they thought I was crazy as all I could do was sit there with the biggest smile on my face saying thank you Jesus.  
Thank you that they invited me into their home to teach them about You. 
Thank you that they are offering hospitality…
And the house mom, Lois…JOY she brought such joy to my heart….
I felt like I was right were I was supposed to be.…

The HOPE ministry at the new church…..
Single moms and their children….
My journal was full of ideas and my heart was beating 
and I was praying and seeking how to reach these mommas and their children….
Pages of ideas and visions, Words.

I felt on top of the world….
This could not be more perfect.
Exactly what makes my heart beat!

But this nagging in my heart, in my soul began.

I continued to pursue these new endeavors…
Gracewood and HOPE.
I was so moved by the goodness that these ministries would bring to the women they serve.
I was eager and excited.

This nagging kept scratching at my soul.
As each day passed this nagging became more intense.
I kept seeking and searching, trying to figure out what this nagging in my soul was. 

Each day I felt less alive.  
I felt like I was climbing a mountain to reach JOY but each step I took I slipped on a rock.
I kept going.
Kept climbing.
Seeking and Searching.
And it became more challenging.

I became scared to take another step.
The nagging was so strong….
Captive to fear.  Afraid to be me.....

The message came loud and clear. The messenger….Dr. Tony Evans……
God is to be my focus, my husband and children, my home, was where I was to invest my time.

I felt the call to let go, release the very opportunities that ignited my heart.
How could this be?
Wasn't I called to serve in these areas?
Serving women and children ignite the depths of my being.
This is what makes my heart beat and my soul feel alive.

I thought if I only hold on a bit longer maybe I was hearing wrong….The feeling became overwhelming to release it….Release the opportunity of HOPE and release the goodness of Gracewood.

I knew that if I didn't heed the call to release and let go, if I wasn't obedient, I would not receive the goodness that was waiting for me......  The BIG that I BELIEVED in.

I toiled and pleaded, sought and searched,  from May to Late August…….

I released my ideas and visions that I had recorded for HOPE.

But Gracewoood…I couldn't  It was so perfect it was what stirred my soul….
MY fist was tight around Gracewood….
And yet…I was to release it…..lay it down!?!
Fist clenched tight around Gracewood I continued to plan what my time with those ladies would be like.

And I  continued to toil.

And I was sad and I was angry….
Confused and numb.......
I did not understand why!  
My heart was in anguish….

Let go….

In early September I answered that email….
I released my service at Gracewood.  
My heart felt empty.  
How could release what I felt called to do?
What I thought was perfect!
It should not feel this way!

And in November the call to…
Let go of serving in the children's ministry at the church…
And my heart was wrenching.  
But this was only to be for a while. 
And so I clung to that.
Just let go for a while.

All the while the attacks came.
I wrestled with thoughts…negative self defeating thoughts…awful thoughts….lies….
Thoughts that I was worthless.
Thoughts that I wasn't perfect enough.
Thoughts that I wasn't smart enough.
What were these people who did not know my heart thinking of me?
Thoughts that they believed I was an impostor.

And when I finally began seeking TRUTH...
TRUTHS Richness and Delight….
Truth about who I am…
Truth about my gifts….
Truth about my calling…
When the Light began to shine in the darkness and I began to give thanks for all rather than dance with the lies in my head, I began to see what was happening…
The lies lost power over me!

Although I still don't fully understand I must BELIEVE the Truth….
The Way is not always my way!
The plans for my life are to prosper me for good not for evil….
The Truth that all things work together for good even when I can't see it….

The Truth that I was created for good works….

And now I will be still because I BELIEVE that something BIG is still happening here.  Even if I can't see it and even though I don't understand.  I will wait with great expectancy!  Because my BIG is not BIG at all......My Makers BIG is so BIG and I can't wait to see how BIG  BIG really is!  

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